Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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