Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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