Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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