Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
