So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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