nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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