I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
