Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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