Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
