how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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