4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
