This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
