I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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