May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
