you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
