my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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