He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
