My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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