I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
