Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
