im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
