I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
