Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
