Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
