i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
