I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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