The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
