I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
PANTIES FOUND
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