We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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