ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
