just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
