she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I want is dick and wine.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
