so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
