Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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