I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
