i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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