The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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