You're my little dorito
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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