this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You were trust falling into bushes
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
