i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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