Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
