apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
