my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
