My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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