my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
