I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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