youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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