Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize