Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
