My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
