hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
