he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
