I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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