were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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